


Dangerous Wild Child

by astuteweasel (whimsicalmeerkat)



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Aliens studying humans, Alternate Universe - Aliens, Crack, M/M, Peter is still a tired college student, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, Wade Is A Gentleman, Wade Wilson Needs A Hug, Wade is not terribly helpful, bad data, boys being dumb, fluff and nonsense, no beta we die like warriors, what is canon?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-22
Packaged: 2021-03-27 16:07:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30125355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whimsicalmeerkat/pseuds/astuteweasel
Summary: “For the record, you kidnapped me so I could help you with your homework,” Wade stated.“Um, yes?” The kid looked briefly sheepish. “I’ll owe you a lot. Will you help?”Peter is chaos. Wade is in love.
Relationships: Peter Parker/Wade Wilson
Comments: 18
Kudos: 54





	1. For Science!

**Author's Note:**

> \- For the prompt: You have been abducted by a UFO. While you are figuring out what just happened to you, a frantic alien bursts into the room. "You have no idea how many rules I'm breaking, but my Human Studies final is tomorrow and I need help." This will eventually fill a prompt on my Spidey bingo card, but I'm still not sure which. I'll update at the end.  
> \- This is very much a wip. I have some more of it written and know where I want it to go, but these two dumbasses tend to run away with things, so we'll see how long it gets.  
> \- Title from ["Start a Riot"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKWew5BPiSM&ab_channel=BEGINNERS%26NightPanda-Topic) by Night Panda, which has crazy Spideypool vibes.
> 
> (White)  
> {Yellow}

{We feel funny.}

(We feel high.)

_We can’t get high anymore_ , Wade thought as he sat up. He was in some sort of round metal room, on top of some sort of oddly squishy table. He wasn’t sure what had happened. He remembered walking home with a bag of tacos, then nothing.

{Did we die again?}

(It feels different.)

Wade agreed with White. It did feel different, plus there was the drugged feeling, which was wearing off quickly. He was still in his suit, minus the boots, weirdly, but all of his visible weapons were missing.

Suddenly a door opened out of nowhere, and a harried kid with messy brown hair and frantic brown eyes rushed in. Thank Yeva, you’re awake,” he said. “My human studies final is tomorrow and I need help and if I fail this I’ll have to go home and I’ll be so bored I might die,” he said, while wringing his hands.

“I’m sorry, readers. The author is very tired and couldn’t think of a better phrase,” Wade said, head turned to the right. “She says she will try to do better.”

“Who, what? Never mind, I don’t care,” the apparently alien kid said frantically.

“For the record, you kidnapped me so I could help you with your homework,” Wade stated.

“Um, yes?” The kid looked briefly sheepish. “I’ll owe you a lot. Will you help?”

{He’s so cute and his hair’s so fluffy I could die!}

(You know nothing about him, other than that he looks human and can apparently speak English. Oh, and he kidnapped you.)

Wade shrugged. “Sure I can help, unless it involves maiming or torture. I’m really not down for that.”

The kid looked horrified. “Of course not! Why would you even say that?”

Wade shrugged again. “Let’s just say I have some prior experience. What do you need help with?”

Turned out the kid, Peter, “my translator says it’s close enough,” had a textbook, but he suspected parts of it were wrong. He was right about that, but they weren’t the parts he thought. Wade quickly figured out he needed to clarify Peter’s source if he was going to be any help at all. Fortunately, that happened before they got to soap.

“My professor said humans eat something called soap, and bathe with something called cilantro, but to some people soap tastes like cilantro,” Peter said, looking up from his notes.

“Uh,” Wade said, scratching the back of his head. “Your professor said that?”

Peter looked up and nodded. “He spent a whole lecture period on it. I still have the handouts and notes.” He looked through something on what looked like a fancier tablet than anything Stark had ever imagined, then handed it over. “Here’s the translation.”

Wade looked at the screen. The handout definitely said what Peter said, eating soap and bathing with cilantro. He really wasn’t sure what to do. It was mixed up, obviously, but if he told Peter that he might not do well on his exam since the professor also had bad information. “Hey, Petey? What would you say about getting some practical experience with Earth stuff? Your professor would have to find that impressive, right? How about I show you around New York?”


	2. Peter Discovers Coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Oops,” Petey said, and giggled, fucking giggled! “Do you have coffee? I really like coffee.” He patted Wade’s pec, and leaned against the door, blinking eyes that couldn’t be described as anything but limpid._
> 
> _“I know you do, baby boy,” Wade said, somehow wrangling Peter so he was only attached to one arm and opening the door._

Turned out Peter’s spaceship was in some sort of pocket dimension in a hole in a tree in Central Park.

{Like a squirrel!}

Wade wasn’t touching the squirrel comparison, but it was certainly a convenient location. Peter assured him it really wouldn’t look like they popped up out of nowhere, and Wade assured Peter that no one would really notice if they had. It _was_ New York after all. Getting his boots back and convincing Peter to wear shoes was unexpectedly difficult, but Wade eventually convinced Peter that it was a critical step in getting him soap. The kid was really stuck on the soap thing.

(You’re really going to have to fess up to that one sooner than later.)

Wade chose to ignore White. He would just claim soap tastes like cilantro to him. Problem solved.

{Does this mean we can’t have cilantro on our tacos?}

_I’ll tell him after his final,_ Wade decided.

“So, Petey, we can pick up some soap, but I also need to introduce you to bagels and lattes,” Wade said. He had to rush to catch up to Peter who was apparently fearless and entirely unconcerned that he didn’t know where anything was. God knows where he would wander if left on his own.

“What are those,” Peter asked absently, apparently distracted by a nearby flock of pigeons.

“The birds, or bagels & lattes?”

“Bagels and lattes. I recognize the tiny dinosaurs from class,” Peter said.

Wade eyed the feathered mass squabbling over some sort of crumbs. Peter was technically correct, so he decided to move along. “Bagels are a breakfast food. Lattes are a type of coffee, which is a drink with a stimulant called caffeine.”

Peter perked up. “A stimulant? I like those! They help with school!”

(I’m not sure he needs anything more. He’s disgustingly peppy already.)

{He’s adorable!}

Wade side-eyed Peter. White had a point, but what’s the worst that could happen?

(You should have known better than to even think something about the worst that could happen.)

_Fuck off, you don’t have to rub it in,_ Wade thought, gritting his teeth and trying to ignore the handsy alien currently engaged in feeling him up.

{More like Petey wants to rub one off _on_ you.}

(More than seems like.)

_Fuck you both._ “Hey, Petey, I can’t open the door without my hands,” Wade said, trying to ignore that both of Peter’s hands were occupied with groping his ass.

“Oops,” Petey said, and giggled, fucking _giggled!_ “Do you have coffee? I really like coffee.” He patted Wade’s pec, and leaned against the door, blinking eyes that couldn’t be described as anything but limpid.

“I know you do, baby boy,” Wade said, somehow wrangling Peter so he was only attached to one arm and opening the door. He gently shoved Peter through, only to find himself backed against the door almost before it closed. Who would have thought fucking coffee would make his alien visitor unbelievably high. Peter seemed to be having fun, but right now, Wade’s life was hard. His dick too. It really wasn’t fair.

“This is your home,” Peter purred, leaning up on his toes to bite Wade’s earlobe. “Aerich aren’t shy about where they mate, but I see humans are. We’re alone now though.”

“Uh, sure. Shy,” Wade croaked as Peter proceeded to somehow climb him using only his legs. “You’re, uh, really strong.”

“Mm, flexible too,” Peter hummed. “Do you want to see?”

{//incoherent whimper//}

(This is it. This is how humanity falls. Doe eyed students on caffeine.)

Wade marshalled his thoughts and his will power, and clamped his hands down on Peter’s hips. “Baby boy, I would like nothing more than to learn all the ways you can move, but not right now. You’re too high to consent, and I won’t take advantage of that. Now, let’s go watch a movie and get some sleep. We can talk about this more tomorrow, when you’re sober.”

Peter leaned back and searched Wade’s eyes. “We can mate when I am sober?”

Wade sighed. “We can talk about it when you’re sober.”

Peter shrugged and let go, hopping down lightly. “Sure, we’ll...talk,” he said with a smirk. He wandered further into the apartment. “I was promised soap.”

Wade sighed. With his luck, Peter would really would like eating soap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will earn its rating next chapter, I promise.


End file.
